Monday, November 8, 2021

the cat food, huh?

This morning began as so many mornings do. I got out of bed, threw my undies in the laundry basket, stepped into the bathroom and closed the door. I'm not a gassy guy, but I often let out of fart at this point. This morning, when I did, it felt a little extra. I thought nothing of it turned on the shower and bathed.

Upon exiting the shower, I realized I left my towel outside the bathroom. Sans glasses, I retrieved it, toweled off a little, put on my steamy glasses, applied deodorant, and turned to leave the bathroom.

On the floor something caught my eye. I thought, how did the cat get a piece of dry food all the way here from her cat bowl across the apartment? She doesn't really like the bathroom much, to boot. Leaning in to investigate, the thing on the ground was a sort of perfect diamond shape, a rich brown. I picked it up, and it was surprisingly solid to the touch. This all happened quite quickly, and by the time it was in my hand I realized that it was in fact stool, shot out of my butt with that initial fart.

I smelled it to confirm, and indeed, it was doo doo. I tossed it in the trash, washed my hands, and took the trash out. It made me think of a time when I was about 10 years old that I pooped in the small trash basket of a restaurant. Huh.

That was a fun way to start my day!

Friday, November 5, 2021

PPB? sophomore effort

 In Manhattan today, two sophomoric lyrical adaptations came into my head.

1. An adaptation of a song from Oklahoma:

Territory folks should stick together
Territory folks should all get along
Farmers dance with the cowman's daughter
Cowman bites the farmer's schlong

For this, I am sorry. I am not. I am sorry. Whatever.

2. To to tune of the Ramones "Beat on the Brat", I give you:

Piss on the pubes
Piss on the pubes
Piss on the pubes
WITH A BASEBALL BAT

etc.

(I always thought The Ram Ones would be a good band name)