genuinely don't know

So, what, does fruit make you poop or something?

Or vegetables?

I have never understood this.

Dried? Fresh?

Everything makes you poop, it's such a weird thing to think about.

Huh?

KFM

I really like conceptual versions of the talking game "kill, fuck, marry". Doing it with actual people is weird mostly, especially if you know them, but with concepts it's a great game.

I realized today that to me, the ultimate KFM trio is: piss, shit, vomit

So I'll put it to you. Which would you marry, which kill, and which fuck? Hmm??

how swampy was my ass

I think I've said it before on here, but I don't really know what the phrase "swamp ass" is meant to apply to. I tend to think about it as those times where you take a shit so gnarly that it feels as though nothing can clean your butt hole. 

 I had such an experience today right before I was leaving the apartment. I was out for a couple hours, and when I got home, the first thing I did was wash my butt in the shower and change my underwear. I feel 95% certain that my butt was in fact pretty clean and I had nothing to worry about. But that feeling of murkiness, of dare, I say, swampiness, just wouldn't leave me alone until I took things to another level. 

I really hate changing my clothes in the middle of the day, so it really takes a big commitment for me to do this. But such was the magnitude of the swamp today. 

I hope that your ass is grass rather than swamp, that's my hope for you.

new methods

Might I recommend that when you have to verbally indicate that you're going to defecate, say: "I'm gonna go see what kind of stool is in my colon"

a songs and a report

Okay so I wrote a first draft of a verse the other day for a play on "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" that would be called "Blood Gets In Your Stool":

They
Asked me how I knew
The color of my poo
Maybe it was blue?
As I learned in school
Always keep your cool
When blood gets in your stool

tbh I didn't check and make sure that fits the form of the original but I'm just gonna leave it here, feel free to add to it

 

ALSO I can report that my shitting has gone a bit haywire of late. Instead of the status quo of one large turd sesh in the morning and 1-2 others the rest of the day, they're all smaller. Not loose per se, but it's like the total mass that can come out at a time is reduced. I have a number of visits to the loo a day where I have large gas and a small bit of solid stool emerges, or many a moderate amount. My butt hurts cause it's been so frequent and much wiping. I don't love this new model and I hope it ends soon and I can poop bigger poops again.

shart report

Two notes on sharts:

1.) Last month, I had the pleasure of driving through, and then back through, Shartlesville, PA. What a joy!

2.) I had a big party last week cause I turned a round number age. Towards the end, I was jumping up and down as some energetic music was happening nearby. I did one jump and some stuff started happened back in the butt area... did I just shart? I wasn't sure for a sec but it seemed safe so I kept jumping.

~15 seconds later, the same feeling again. Oh no. Assessing... no we're okay but hey let's go sit on a toilet, huh?

And so friends, I did not shart my pants at my party, but I can closer than I have in many years. Bold new decade!

let's say "not vacant"

It's helpful when a restroom has a little "vacant/occupied" slider that goes with locking the door, maybe in a stylish two-color red & green thing. Helps you know how to approach the situation.

For me, when a bathroom tells you it's occupied, I can't help, I CANNOT HELP but think of the word occupied as "kaka-pied", as in a pie of kaka is being applied to it. 

Occupied? Occupied with what? Occupied with kaka! Specifically, a pieful of it!

1 dump is enough 4 me?

A very strange recent pattern has been that instead of my normal 2-4 dumps a day, I've had a couple days, not that many days, but a couple days, where I only have one dump and it's in the morning and it's huge. Not like one unbroken strand huge, but just a very large volume of stool. 

I can't say I am not excited about this trend. 

One way I can measure that it's happening is by the newspaper in the bathroom. I can tell it's been a day since I've read anything in it. 

I really think it's a superior model to dump a medium amount several times a day than to take enormous dumps sporadically. But what do I know? I'm just a dumper, not a doctor.

which animal?

I was walking by a small park near my apartment yesterday and I smelled a familiar smell. I didn't see any horses but I for sure smelled some horseshit. There was a little visual evidence of some to back this up. Horseshit it was!

Having not smelled any horse feces in a while, I thought, wow this actually smells pretty good. I liked to hang out with horses when I went to summer camp as a tween and horses bring back some good memories for me, so maybe it's more that than anything chemical. Though, if a horse is mostly eating grass and hay, I would suspect that stool would smell much better than say, dog or cat food being mostly meat. 

So I wonder, what are the best smelling animal feces? And I don't necessarily mean the least bad smelling, I mean what kinds of shit smells are most pleasant in someway?