Monday, November 8, 2021

the cat food, huh?

This morning began as so many mornings do. I got out of bed, threw my undies in the laundry basket, stepped into the bathroom and closed the door. I'm not a gassy guy, but I often let out of fart at this point. This morning, when I did, it felt a little extra. I thought nothing of it turned on the shower and bathed.

Upon exiting the shower, I realized I left my towel outside the bathroom. Sans glasses, I retrieved it, toweled off a little, put on my steamy glasses, applied deodorant, and turned to leave the bathroom.

On the floor something caught my eye. I thought, how did the cat get a piece of dry food all the way here from her cat bowl across the apartment? She doesn't really like the bathroom much, to boot. Leaning in to investigate, the thing on the ground was a sort of perfect diamond shape, a rich brown. I picked it up, and it was surprisingly solid to the touch. This all happened quite quickly, and by the time it was in my hand I realized that it was in fact stool, shot out of my butt with that initial fart.

I smelled it to confirm, and indeed, it was doo doo. I tossed it in the trash, washed my hands, and took the trash out. It made me think of a time when I was about 10 years old that I pooped in the small trash basket of a restaurant. Huh.

That was a fun way to start my day!

Friday, November 5, 2021

PPB? sophomore effort

 In Manhattan today, two sophomoric lyrical adaptations came into my head.

1. An adaptation of a song from Oklahoma:

Territory folks should stick together
Territory folks should all get along
Farmers dance with the cowman's daughter
Cowman bites the farmer's schlong

For this, I am sorry. I am not. I am sorry. Whatever.

2. To to tune of the Ramones "Beat on the Brat", I give you:

Piss on the pubes
Piss on the pubes
Piss on the pubes


(I always thought The Ram Ones would be a good band name) 

Friday, October 22, 2021

PPB: Oh's

Alright, why resist? I keep saying this is Doo Doo Bloggin' and not Pee Pee Bloggin', but you know, I'm just getting more juice from piss these days than crap. So here goes with a #peepeeblog:

I'm a shower peer, always have been.

I find peeing irresistible when I turn the water off in the shower. If I'm at a friend's place, it's so hard not to pee right then. But I'm a gentleman.

This morning I pissed a lot when I turned the water off. Oddly, it smelled exactly like the honey Oh's cereal that comes in the yellow box that were a staple of my childhood.

Tuesday, October 19, 2021

video jammin

I started a TikTok channel this summer. I've had a few posts on there that mention feces, diapers, etc. I can't help myself.

I have a quiet hope that something I do that's doo doo adjacent on there goes viral, and then my co-workers and people would be like wait did I just see you on TikTok singing about Doo Doo Cheese? And I'd be like of course you did, why wouldn't you?

It's nice to let people know who you are, you know?

Friday, September 10, 2021

where does the time go?

I remember my junior year of college being in a dance performance (I was in the band & wrote the music, a trio for clarinet, trombone, & melodica). Backstage before or after a show, two friends of mine in someone else's piece were talking about their butt wiping proclivities. I forget the specific number, but one of them said that for an average dump, they use x squares of toilet paper. I think it was five. Maybe three. I was like, yeah that's a reasonable number, I'm similar, but it didn't say out loud. I wasn't as publically poop positive in those days.

I'm thinking about that now, and thinking, wow, I use more than I used to. Maybe there's more hair in my butt? Maybe the shape of my butt has changed? Maybe the sensitivity of my skin has changed, and I'm differently calibrated now? Maybe the toilet paper has changed (I don't like that multilayer fluffy stuff, I buy a big thing of Scott 1000)?

I feel a little guilty about using a larger amount of TP, but the reality is, that's how much I need to feel like my butt is actually clean. Maybe my butt just wasn't as clean before?

Also, I know it's weird that I'm posting three things in one day, but I had all these thoughts today while walking around Manhattan.

cutie/doodie pie

I'd like to see some research & conversation out there on the dialectic between cutie pies and doodie pies. There's something there, and no one's talking about it!

fake turds?

Did anyone watch White Lotus? I just finished the final episode of season one. There's a very mild spoiler ahead:

It seemed to me that when Armand took a dump into the suitcase, it was really just him sticking his butt out and then they did some digital animation of two turds dropping a-from his butthole.

On the one hand, I'm so pleased we have this technology, turdimation. On the other, it seems like you could make that much more cheaply with actual human stool.

It's like when I learned for my cousin that the sheep in several scenes of Brokeback Mountain were digital...