MVP!

In honor of LeBron's monster Finals performance, I took a monster dump yesterday.  Bigger discreet stools than my normal output, like three of them.  Congrats, LBJ.  It flushed okay in the upstate toilet.  The shape was a very stereotypical dump shape, you might call it text book.

I think it's important for fans for the DDB to know about George Brett's efforts in the pooping field if they don't already.  He says something at the end about a "perfect double-tapered shit".  I thought at for a while that he said "double-papered", meaning something about the wiping.  Recently, a friend, one BS, pointed out to me that it just meant that the shit was tapered at both ends.  Never would have thought of that.  Mine are rarely like that, but this monster was, to borrow George's phrase, a "perfect double-tapered" doo doo.

I am away #2

Up here in the Catskills, the toilet flushes are/seem to be not as robust as the NYC toilet flushes.  My feces, as a rule, is not so big that I would ever have to, say, break it up with a stick before I try to flush it (I know some folks who have this experience often).  I make a small or loose poop.  Also, in my TP usage, I'm the kind of guy who goes for few-small-squares rip instead of a big wad.  So it's rare that I have trouble getting things down.

However up here, things are different.  Things have gotten stuck on me on more than one occasion.  It's just too much to try to send the poo down with the TP, so I've taken to flushing the stool and then reflushing for the papier hygenique.  It feels a little wasteful with the water, but then again I haven't been flushing my pee pee, so that's a little better on the conscience.  Not a lifestyle facet I would choose, but it seems to be necessitated if I don't want to go grabbing the plunger (which I've managed to avoid with some astute toilet brush usage, gross as that may be).  This morning I had a tiny little poo that burned clean, so it all went away together.  More of that hopefully.

I am away #1

I have been away since Monday, and in this time period there has been a distinct dark green color to my faeces.

One asks: is it my diet or is it the place?

finish him!

I was never very good at the finishing moves in Mortal Kombat.  I think I knew one or two, probably for Scorpion or Sub-Zero.  So you can imagine my surprise a few months ago when I started developing one of my own!

Something I'd like to make clear right off: I'm traditionally a sitting wiper.  I imagine this behavior is the kind of thing you learn once in childhood and rarely deviate from.  I remember a time in college, talking to folks about whether they sit or stand when wiping, and it felt intensely personal.  Intensely.  So it's no small admission that I tell you that I just kind of lean forward but stay on the seat.  Actually, there's a shift in foot position that comes along with it, and the only part of public pooping that embarrasses me is that slight foot shift.  This has been my way since whenever I learned to clean up after myself.

Now all craps a little different, and as I've written before, some are awfully clean, others are messy.  Messy ones could be messy in a centralized way or diffuse.  I think I must have been going through a messier streak say two months ago (these things are very streaky you know), and for whatever reason, after several well-aimed wipes, I stood up.  I felt I needed more leverage.  One final standing-up wipe and I was done.  But it was infectious, and for a while thereafter, I seemed to be finishing all my cleaning with an aggressive standing wipe.  I really put my knees into it and everything.  Let's call it a "power wipe" or a "standing power wipe".  The bottom line is that I didn't feel totally clean until I had done my finishing move.

There's something of an identity crisis that accompanies this - I'm not a stand-up wiper, it's just my finishing move!  And sure enough, for the most part, it's faded.  But I'm sure it'll come back.  Probably with more time I'll get more comfortable with having flexible technique - not just a sitter or standing, but a pragmatic wiper, dealing with each situation accordingly.  Maybe the finishing move with integrate itself more fully.  Who's to say?

Any of you readers have a finishing move of your own, something without which you can't pack up & leave?

a spring treat

...just like little balls of deep fried doo doo...

Temptation: technology

Now that I have an iPhone, I find it hard to resist the temptation to photograph my poop. So far so good, but I don't know how long I can hold out. This blog may have a new look soon.

Posted from my iPhone

arty farty

I make no claims on being a visual artist. But then again, I'm a dabbler. I like to dabble.

Yesterday morning, while in the process of waking up, an idea for an installation, or a tableau, or something, came to me. I'd like to share it with you now:

In a large space, there is a terrifically large jar. The jar is essentially an over-sized jelly jar, it's got that kind of hexagonal or octagonal prism shape, with the slightly curved (in) bottom and a circular top. There may be a screw off-top, but it's not used in this concept. The jar is empty, clean, and transparent. The jar ought to be 8-10 feet high and have a proportional radius. The aperture at the top ought to be 2-3 feet in diameter. Alright, so it might be a bit more stretched out vertically than a normal jar. Calculations not exact.

A performer, a nude performer that is, climbs up or is helped up to the top of the jar. He or she finds a comfortable way to sit over the aperture. It's not like sitting on a toilet, probably a little more like either lying down of sitting with your butt way down lower than it would be in a toilet. Variations should be tried. The performer begins letting out a single thread of poo. Performers can be selected for the solidness of their BM, and diet can be altered to highlight this feature of the performative crap. Rather than being pinched off, the performer's thread is held on to and gently rocked back and forth. This continues for some time. If the doo doo breaks and falls down, ideally a new thread is produced, or another performer is on standby to continue.

Since this occurred at a dreamy time, there seems to be something obvious that this description is lacking, but I can't remember what it is. This is what I've got, and it seems fascinating, if difficult to execute for the performer. But boy, wouldn't that be neat?