Monday, May 23, 2016
To shit the unwipable shit
I took a shit at work today, around 4:45pm. A lot of wiping. I didn't feel completely, totally clean in the way you'd like to be (I'm talking about my asshole here), but I was at work, and I was using the toilet that doesn't always flush well (which is a silly thing to say, because if you hold it long enough, it's fine), and I was like I'll be fine. So I was done. And it wasn't like, I was walking around thinking there's definitely more particulate shit matter in between my butt cheeks and this is a problem, it was like, oh, there might be a little extra action doing on down there. So I went to the bathroom to pee at like 7:55pm, and I took an extra wipe or two, and they were faintly brown. Whatever. I went to a thing for work, and then when I was there, at like 8:45pm, I peed again, and I wiped again, same deal. It's 10:06pm, I'll pee again soon, maybe give another wipe, and there'll be some brown residue probably. I don't care really, but it's just kind of like, what does a guy have to do, what's it gonna take to get you in a nice clean asshole today?
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Dump Burger
You go to your local Dump Burger, and you're like "Hi... hmm... I'd like one Dump Burger... and can I get that with chili and onions?", and they're like, sure, sure you can. And you're like, "and can I get some of the thick gravy on that too, all over the top of it?" and they say yes sir. And you go "okay cool and what sides do you like?" and they're like they're all good and you're like "but what goes well with a Dump Burger with chili and onions and dump gravy?" and they think about it for a sec and you're like, "you know what, listen, can you just like, I mean, what I want is if you could take a dump, just take a dump yourself, and put it in one of those little red and white paper containers that sides come in, do you think that you could accurately take a dump (I mean I don't want you to do anything unsanitary) in that and give it to me so I can have it on the side of my Dump Burger?". Sure. Sure, of course you can have that. Because this is Dump Burger.
you can cut the cake now
I think my nose doesn't usually register the scent of a shit until I've wiped my ass once. When you get into the fecal remnant on your butt hole, it lets you know it's there, scent-wise. And then soon after that, you flush.
Saturday, February 27, 2016
nasal neighborhood
The most common smell association I get from my own stool is probably hard-boiled eggs. Specifically, the yolk. I don't eat a lot of hard-boiled eggs, but to my nose, my poop often smells in the neighborhood of them. At least more than it smells like any other (non-poop) common associations I have.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
stool in multiple senses
It's been a choppy time of late. I feel like I can't get a clear line on it. The sitting position I take for taking a dump just doesn't feel right, and things come out not cathartically and in many pieces. I feel like I have more in there when I'm done.
I did have one pretty glorious one a few weeks back when I put my feet up on my partner's little box of menstrual products (don't tell her!). Sort of squatting toilet style but with less dramatic angles. Things opened up more with that one. But other times I've tried that technique and it hasn't had as much success. Maybe it's more a matter of diet right now. Diet hasn't changed but you never know... has it? I'm gonna keep investigating knee position and use of an additional stool (of sorts) to make things better. The world is full of so many things & options.
I did have one pretty glorious one a few weeks back when I put my feet up on my partner's little box of menstrual products (don't tell her!). Sort of squatting toilet style but with less dramatic angles. Things opened up more with that one. But other times I've tried that technique and it hasn't had as much success. Maybe it's more a matter of diet right now. Diet hasn't changed but you never know... has it? I'm gonna keep investigating knee position and use of an additional stool (of sorts) to make things better. The world is full of so many things & options.
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
a few points
1. I have "pooped" about seven times today. I'm defining pooping in this sense by the act of taking down my trousers, sitting on the john, and having something happen with my ass. In the last two or three attempts, it's been just gas, no stool, that comes out.
2. This used to happen to me more. Most memorably, one time when I was I'd guess 11, I shat 11 times in a day, including multiple times at a Pittsburgh Pirates game. I remember bragging to my friend about how many times I'd shat. Three Rivers Stadium did NOT have particularly nice bathrooms. But that's not why the built the thing. It's like the Guggenheim.
3. I can't remember the last time I shat more than 4 times in a day. But 3 is really not unheard of. This is just the upper edge of my range. Maybe I'm not done yet, today I mean.
4. My tummy's been rumbly a few days. I've been getting spikes of "oh go sit on the john now" since Sunday or so. Actually on Sunday I got one in a rehearsal space in Williamsburg and had to go shit in the dark. I turned the flashlight on my phone on and went into the bathroom, which lacks a working light, and it was totally fine. But that is not a nice bathroom. Nicer than the bathrooms at Death by Audio, when that was a thing. But not objectively nice.
5. Tonight, I was at BAM, which has pretty nice bathrooms all told. When people were applauding, I snuck out and went to the bathroom tucked 1/2 a floor below the mezzanine. I let beautiful, enormous farts peel in chorus with the raising of numerous curtain calls. THAT was a fun game.
6. Hopefully things'll calm down tomorrow.
2. This used to happen to me more. Most memorably, one time when I was I'd guess 11, I shat 11 times in a day, including multiple times at a Pittsburgh Pirates game. I remember bragging to my friend about how many times I'd shat. Three Rivers Stadium did NOT have particularly nice bathrooms. But that's not why the built the thing. It's like the Guggenheim.
3. I can't remember the last time I shat more than 4 times in a day. But 3 is really not unheard of. This is just the upper edge of my range. Maybe I'm not done yet, today I mean.
4. My tummy's been rumbly a few days. I've been getting spikes of "oh go sit on the john now" since Sunday or so. Actually on Sunday I got one in a rehearsal space in Williamsburg and had to go shit in the dark. I turned the flashlight on my phone on and went into the bathroom, which lacks a working light, and it was totally fine. But that is not a nice bathroom. Nicer than the bathrooms at Death by Audio, when that was a thing. But not objectively nice.
5. Tonight, I was at BAM, which has pretty nice bathrooms all told. When people were applauding, I snuck out and went to the bathroom tucked 1/2 a floor below the mezzanine. I let beautiful, enormous farts peel in chorus with the raising of numerous curtain calls. THAT was a fun game.
6. Hopefully things'll calm down tomorrow.
Thursday, December 3, 2015
labyrinthine
Let me ask you a question.
No. Let me tell you about myself. Here is how I feel.
I take a shit, and I'm wiping my ass. I use small bits of TP, like ~2 squares at a time (I prefer one-ply). And the first few wipes are where you get the big cleaning done. After the 3rd wipe, let's say, it's really just fine detail cleaning work. And a relatively clean shit, you might only need 2 or 3 wipes. But then, there are more frustrating ones, where you think you've got it all covered, and you discover another pocket of remaining fecal matter. And you're going like 10 wipes deep on that. Because you don't want to be incomplete and get shit on yourself and your clothes, right?
I'm no doctor, I don't know exactly how the stuff that you're wiping up gets there etc. But sometimes I feel like either I pooped it out all wrong that these little reserve pockets keep presenting themselves afresh when I already thought I was in the end game, or that I just have particularly labyrinthine lower bowels. Both may be true.
Do you ever feel this way? It's a lousy feeling because it's the feeling of having finished something being revoked, like, you weren't diligent enough. And I don't really like editing, I'd rather just get the idea out all at once and not have to revise. And this is a form of revising. So nerts to that.
No. Let me tell you about myself. Here is how I feel.
I take a shit, and I'm wiping my ass. I use small bits of TP, like ~2 squares at a time (I prefer one-ply). And the first few wipes are where you get the big cleaning done. After the 3rd wipe, let's say, it's really just fine detail cleaning work. And a relatively clean shit, you might only need 2 or 3 wipes. But then, there are more frustrating ones, where you think you've got it all covered, and you discover another pocket of remaining fecal matter. And you're going like 10 wipes deep on that. Because you don't want to be incomplete and get shit on yourself and your clothes, right?
I'm no doctor, I don't know exactly how the stuff that you're wiping up gets there etc. But sometimes I feel like either I pooped it out all wrong that these little reserve pockets keep presenting themselves afresh when I already thought I was in the end game, or that I just have particularly labyrinthine lower bowels. Both may be true.
Do you ever feel this way? It's a lousy feeling because it's the feeling of having finished something being revoked, like, you weren't diligent enough. And I don't really like editing, I'd rather just get the idea out all at once and not have to revise. And this is a form of revising. So nerts to that.
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