the voice from inside the booth

A cinematic thing that often happens to me when I'm wiping my ass:

I do the first few wipes (I usually do a double square of singly ply, I don't like the thick stuff, it rips too easily when you're using my methods), and you know it's getting cleaner. And at this point you do another wipe, and it comes back clean, and the rational voice in your head, the authoritative man in the control booth as it were, says, okay, you can stop now, your asshole is clean.

But you're like I meaaaaaaan I'm not sure and you do another double square rip and wipe. And the voice is like okay good work cleaning the shit off your asshole, let's wrap it up and go to the next thing. But you detect something, some moisture, something that feels particulate. And there you go again, ripping another double square.

The voice - maybe it address you as sir, or maybe it's cadet, it depends on your mood and personality if this voice is your superior making demands, or if it's someone you boss around - the voice is pleading. Bargaining maybe. Sir, this is a clean asshole. You're wasting paper. Let's flush and get out of here. You wipe again.

You start to get up (I sit down when I wipe), but then you reconsider and go for one more. The sirens are going off in the control room. Cadet, you're out of control, you're gonna run yourself raw and ragged! Get a hold of yourself. Et cetera.

Eventually you get to a place where you're sure there's no discernible shit left on your asshole and you pack up and go home. If you're having a week like mine where it's 4-5 shits a day, you in fact do find yourself a little worn down and ragged.

songs to sing

Recently when I have to take a dump at work, I will sing, to the tune of the intro to "Puddin' N' Tain'" words along the following words:

dumpin guy
dumpin guy
hey look at me I'm a
dumpin guy

or it might be

doo doo cheese
doo doo cheese
hey look at me I made
doo doo cheese

It's pretty satisfying. Give a try if you're into that kind of thing.

dieting tips

...and then for dinner, I just have a nice bowl of diarrhea with some uric acid...

on a skewer

I took a dump today where it came out in distinct chunks. I couldn't help but think about kabobs, like I was shitting little kabob cubes out. The more obvious metaphor I guess is horse shit, but no, this was more like kabobs. Think about that next time you take a shit that comes out in similar cubes/spheres/chunks.

might as well dump

Some how it never occurred to me until today that you can easily modify a popular song to psyche yourself up to take a shit in the following way:

Might as well dump
DUMP!
Go ahead and dump
DUMP!

So, thanks DLR and EVH and co. I personally am fond of the alteration of the 80s rap opener, "I wanna dump right now...".

Options! Just giving you options!

philharpoopic

I'm working in a new office. There's a men's room nearby with four stalls, three urinals, and two sinks.

Yesterday I went to take a shit there. I chose second stall from the right (from the shitter's perspective). Eventually, all four stalls were full. It was wonderful. I was reveling in the sounds of it all. My shit was kind of a soft one, the only real sound was the sound of the feces hitting the water, and not in an explosive way, in a gentle letting it down kind of way. One of the other shitters was similar.

There was the separate sonic color of the adjusting feet squeaks, the paper tearing, the guttural sounds, and the flushing. I was all so symphonic and I felt like I was part of a piece by one of the Russians who was a master orchestrator, Rimsky-Korsakov of Stravinsky, or maybe Bartok. It was perfect and beautiful and I look forward to more orchestral shits in this bathroom.

don't even talk to me before

I am not a coffee drinker, it's been probably nine years since I last ordered a coffee. Coffee seems great but it's not for me, and neither is caffeine in general. I wake up pretty easily, once I'm up, I'm up, I can do complex things within a few minutes of rolling out of bed (often doing creative stuff at that time is real good for me). So, the bumpsticker/mug/t-shirt mentality of "don't even talk to me before I've had my coffee!" is something I don't relate to. Nor do I relate to the "it's always 5 o'clock somewhere!" mentality but that's another thought.

That said, this morning, waking at 7am on a Saturday and working the annual shift I do for my CSA, I left the house before taking a shit, which is rare. If I'm going to work and this occurs, usually I'll make a b-line for the crapper. Unable to slip away for 45 minutes after I started working this shift, I felt that feeling coffee people might feel of don't even talk to me I can barely function until I take this shit how are other people doing it I'm so fixated. And then you take the shit and wow everything's pretty cool all of a sudden, as if by some fecal magic.