Is it correct to say that one shits on toilet paper?
i.e. if your shit gets on something, did you shit on it?
Or is shitting a more transitive verb than that? Are direct and indirect objects important in the English language? I'm not always sure.
Anyway, I like the idea that you could say to someone "I shat all over your toilet paper!".
I'd like to open a sandwich shop called Poo Poo Patsy's. The tagline of the place would be "Poo Poo Patsy's: Home of the Poo'Boy"
With Omicron, I haven't been leaving my house much. I went to Manhattan yesterday and ran some errands, had an appointment. It felt novel. At the site of the appointment, I went into a men's room I'd used many times before. A single occupant. The toilet had some piss in the water and a single round little turd in it. Also novel.
Alright, okay, I mean I've seen other people's turds a million times, whatever. I flushed it, stat, and then I started thinking. This was a large enough turd to tell me it didn't get flushed and pop back up. Also the piss water. Forensically, what happened here was that someone left the piss and that turd there... and notably no toilet paper. If there were toilet paper and no turd, we could read it as a flush between those two activities. But this was the opposite, implying no TP was utilized by the dumper.
Men's bathrooms are just gross places anyway you slice it - the people who take a dump and don't wash their hands but do use the dryer? All kinds of shenanigans. But not wiping? C'mon now. Going out in public: it's real weird.
Q: what do pirates call their boo when they want to mix it up?
A: sharties
Q: what do pirates call instances of farting and being surprised that something non-gaseous came out?
A: sharties
💛🤝💩
This morning began as so many mornings do. I got out of bed, threw my undies in the laundry basket, stepped into the bathroom and closed the door. I'm not a gassy guy, but I often let out of fart at this point. This morning, when I did, it felt a little extra. I thought nothing of it turned on the shower and bathed.
Upon exiting the shower, I realized I left my towel outside the bathroom. Sans glasses, I retrieved it, toweled off a little, put on my steamy glasses, applied deodorant, and turned to leave the bathroom.
On the floor something caught my eye. I thought, how did the cat get a piece of dry food all the way here from her cat bowl across the apartment? She doesn't really like the bathroom much, to boot. Leaning in to investigate, the thing on the ground was a sort of perfect diamond shape, a rich brown. I picked it up, and it was surprisingly solid to the touch. This all happened quite quickly, and by the time it was in my hand I realized that it was in fact stool, shot out of my butt with that initial fart.
I smelled it to confirm, and indeed, it was doo doo. I tossed it in the trash, washed my hands, and took the trash out. It made me think of a time when I was about 10 years old that I pooped in the small trash basket of a restaurant. Huh.
That was a fun way to start my day!
In Manhattan today, two sophomoric lyrical adaptations came into my head.
1. An adaptation of a song from Oklahoma:
Territory folks should stick together
Territory folks should all get along
Farmers dance with the cowman's daughter
Cowman bites the farmer's schlong
For this, I am sorry. I am not. I am sorry. Whatever.
2. To to tune of the Ramones "Beat on the Brat", I give you:
Piss on the pubes
Piss on the pubes
Piss on the pubes
WITH A BASEBALL BAT
etc.
(I always thought The Ram Ones would be a good band name)
