we're all hulksters

If you're having a hard time getting a dump out of your body, it might be helpful to think about what you'd like to be doing as body slamming the türd.  You point aggressively and say "I'm gonna body slam you!", and then assume the position.  Maybe some theatrical "huh"s for emphasis might help as well.  And then as it's coming out of you, imagine a camera shot of you, in a wrestling ring, seen from behind totally naked and only from your mid back to mid mid thigh, squeezing out the turd and it dropping to the mat with a satisfying thud.

It's not a contest

... this morning's winner is a gross dump from Brooklyn, NY.  Congratulations on your win this morning.  What would you like to say about your victory?

[dump]

Our Surrounding Environs

Once in a while you notice that for some period of time - three of four hours, maybe - you haven't been aware of anyone defecating at or near you.  It doesn't mean they haven't been doing it, you just for a change haven't been so aware of all the shitting that goes around in your vicinity.

To shit the unwipable shit

I took a shit at work today, around 4:45pm.  A lot of wiping.  I didn't feel completely, totally clean in the way you'd like to be (I'm talking about my asshole here), but I was at work, and I was using the toilet that doesn't always flush well (which is a silly thing to say, because if you hold it long enough, it's fine), and I was like I'll be fine.  So I was done.  And it wasn't like, I was walking around thinking there's definitely more particulate shit matter in between my butt cheeks and this is a problem, it was like, oh, there might be a little extra action doing on down there.  So I went to the bathroom to pee at like 7:55pm, and I took an extra wipe or two, and they were faintly brown.  Whatever.  I went to a thing for work, and then when I was there, at like 8:45pm, I peed again, and I wiped again, same deal.  It's 10:06pm, I'll pee again soon, maybe give another wipe, and there'll be some brown residue probably.  I don't care really, but it's just kind of like, what does a guy have to do, what's it gonna take to get you in a nice clean asshole today?

Dump Burger

You go to your local Dump Burger, and you're like "Hi... hmm... I'd like one Dump Burger... and can I get that with chili and onions?", and they're like, sure, sure you can.  And you're like, "and can I get some of the thick gravy on that too, all over the top of it?" and they say yes sir.  And you go "okay cool and what sides do you like?" and they're like they're all good and you're like "but what goes well with a Dump Burger with chili and onions and dump gravy?" and they think about it for a sec and you're like, "you know what, listen, can you just like, I mean, what I want is if you could take a dump, just take a dump yourself, and put it in one of those little red and white paper containers that sides come in, do you think that you could accurately take a dump (I mean I don't want you to do anything unsanitary) in that and give it to me so I can have it on the side of my Dump Burger?".  Sure.  Sure, of course you can have that.  Because this is Dump Burger.

you can cut the cake now

I think my nose doesn't usually register the scent of a shit until I've wiped my ass once.  When you get into the fecal remnant on your butt hole, it lets you know it's there, scent-wise.  And then soon after that, you flush.

nasal neighborhood

The most common smell association I get from my own stool is probably hard-boiled eggs.  Specifically, the yolk.  I don't eat a lot of hard-boiled eggs, but to my nose, my poop often smells in the neighborhood of them.  At least more than it smells like any other (non-poop) common associations I have.