Guest Post: A Guide to Shitting Your Pants

Today's a special day! Here at DDB HQ, we received a thoughtful piece of advice from writer Poopy Longstocking. Take it away Poopy!

A Guide to Shitting Your Pants

The last time I shit my pants was three weeks ago, and it was hardly even a surprise. Here is the thing about my poops. They are urgent and solid like a train, always. They build up quietly over days and nights and then, a couple of times a week, they come hollering out of my bowels with little warning. The whole affair takes about five seconds. They are often large enough to beach themselves half out of the toilet water. I consider myself very lucky to have a life full of exciting, dramatic poops. The downside is that I shit my pants with surprising frequency.  So, for all of you who have never had the indignity of pooping in your pants at work, or in a train station, or while on your way back from the grocery store, here is a simple how-to:

Step 1: Stem the flow. Do not give up when you realize you’ve lost the battle. Continue to fight. A grape-sized poop in your pants is better than a tangerine-sized poop in your pants any day. Strengthen your resolve, tighten your butt-cheeks together, and, if you can, walk around a little. Our bodies were not designed to poop and walk at the same time. 

Step 2: Make a break for it. Wait for a lull between waves of urgent panic and waddle discreetly to a bathroom, ideally one with a lock on the door and a sink. Poop the rest of your poop, assess the damage, and take off your underwear. It’s dead.

Step 3: Dry clean. Use wads of toilet paper to scrape the area dry. This is not a time to worry about being environmentally friendly. Keep going, there’s always more. 

Step 4: Wet clean. Make a trip to that sink and get some paper towels wet and soapy because it’s time for a tiny bath. Take your time, be persistent, and make your butt clean and beautiful. The worst part about pooping your pants is worrying that your butt smells. Abolish that worry. 

Step 5: Dispose of the evidence. Take your shameful poopy underwear and mummify it in toilet paper until it is a mysterious package. Bury it in the bottom of a trash can. Shhh. 

Step 6: Move on. Spray some air freshener on the butt of your jeans if you want, or trust the work you did in step 4. You’re beautiful and spontaneous and now you’re not wearing any underwear, you minx.