Saturday, October 20, 2018

Something's Coming

True story:
Sondheim wrote the song "Something's Coming" from West Side Story about being in line for a public bathroom while having to take a shit.

Monday, October 1, 2018

The only correct reaction is to root for dumping, always.

It's not what we're taught. It's not an inconvenience or a malady when someone else takes a shit and then you have to go into the bathroom or wherever. They did an important thing. Be happy for them. Way to go, defecator!

But one prohibition that's good to follow is don't eat stool.

Monday, September 24, 2018

Dave's Scale of Friendliness

This is a thought I've had since high school and I'm kinda shocked that I've never shared it here before:

One metric for whether or not you're really friends with someone is asking yourself if you've pooped at their home.

Caveat: there are some people that will pretty much only poop at their own home. But for me, this is a revealing test.

Most people I'm close with, I've pooped at their home. It's rare that someone is a casual acquaintance and you've pooped at their home. Also, causality and correspondence not being the same thing, etc. Anyway. You're not friends with them because you pooped at their home. But try it out, do a little mental geography, or when you're at someone's home, think about how close you are with them and whether or not you've pooped there. Extra friend points for having pooped at multiple incarnations of someone's home. Also, think about which friends of yours have and haven't pooped in your home.

Sunday, September 16, 2018

Sophomore Year Abroad in Italy

This is incredibly sophomoric:

I was in Midtown Manhattan today and I saw this
Look closely at it.

I just assumed that if you went inside the building with your scaffolding, it'd be a place where they help you achieve your largest possible dookie.

I didn't go inside. I'm not looking to maximize, just enjoy.

Saturday, September 8, 2018

Dump Burger #2

Hi welcome to Dump Burger, can I take your order please?

Yeah hi, thanks, it's nice to be back. Look, I was here one time before and I got a Dump Burger with chili and onions and gravy. It meant a lot to me and I've been thinking about it for a couple years. Now I'm back and I would like something similar to that, but, like here's the thing that I've been thinking about: could you make it looser? Like instead of a coherent patty of dump that's held together in a burger form and on a bun with the chili and the onions and the gravy, could I just get a runnier, more liquid, less patty-formed thing that's similar to a Dump Burger still?

Sure, of course, this is Dump Burger, we can get you that.

Great, that's great, thanks... can I... can I also get a fried egg on top, please?

Sure, so a runny, loose Dump Burger with chili, onions, gravy, and a fried egg. Will that be all?

Yes, I think that will be all for today.

Friday, August 31, 2018

I Will Dump Again

There are those kinds of mornings where, immediately after one shit, you sing "I Will Dump Again" to yourself, which is a remodeling of the 1999 hit "I Will Love Again". You had something to say, but it wasn't everything. And it's coming back soon.

Today is such a morning. It's not yet 10am and I've dumped three times, and two of them were pretty gnarly. I might be done for a while now.

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Working on a Decade of Doo Doo

This month begins the 10th year of Doo Doo Bloggin. Back in 2009, I had started a Twitter feed with the idea that I would tweet whenever I pooped. It wasn't a good fit for me, I wasn't ready for Twitter til 2014. Before that was the book Doo Doo Bustin, published by One Page Productions, a book of thoughts gathered while pooping at work. I still have copies if you're interested.

To celebrate this institution's 10th year, I want to open up the poop mic. A couple people, most notably Brian, have shared their thoughts on the blog over the years. I'd love in this celebratory year to share thoughts by more readers on any sub-topic of crap here at DDB. Send them my way if you've got them!