Saturday, May 9, 2020

historical songcraft

Just got a hot tip about a ~50 y/o song about loos friends. It's a weird one.

Wednesday, April 15, 2020

we are monitoring the situation closely

My partner and I have been together about 17 years. We've lived together about 12. She knows that I am someone who poops often, I know that she's someone who doesn't poop that often. Normally, I poop once in the morning when we're both around, and beyond that, it's not so consistent when it happens. The knowledge she has of my output is obscured by the various comings and goings we both have.

So for the last month, it's been interesting to see how "ooooooh that's how much you shit" has become clear to her on a digestible level. Living in a one bathroom apartment in particular, it's very obvious to her what the score is. Nice to know that there are parts of ourselves still be revealed.

Monday, April 6, 2020

huge if true

I'm very into the idea that everyone's butthole looks different and is like a thumbprint... but as to why a toilet would only flush for one person and not another seems like a terrible design flaw.

Wednesday, February 26, 2020

tap tap tap

The feeling when I walk into the men's room on the 3rd fl of the office building where I work, and three of the four stalls are taken, and I'm taking the fourth one to do a dump:

I feel like I'm a bassoonist and the conductor has just walked to the podium, looked over the players, and gone tap tap tap with the baton. And now it's time to get to work. It's time to dump all together, as dumping unit.

I feel strong, I feel supported. Solidarity in dumping. Strike up the dang band & let's dump.

Monday, February 10, 2020

unlike my colleague

Recently, we featured a guest post from one Poopy Longstocking that referenced the frequency of Poopy's shits being often once every four or five days.

Friends, it's not uncommon that I shit four, or even five, times in one day. It's like t compared to 1/t.I think that's what it's like?

Anyway, I'm in a period right now with a lot of loose and frequent stool. It's not the best. These shits are gassy and loud. The turds they produce consistently float, which is not always a feature of my shits. And instead of the character that frequent shits often have where they're mostly water and easy to clean, these ones leave a rather paint like shit remnant on my butt. It's not ideal.

I voice this frustration to you dear readers to attempt to exorcise it.

Friday, January 24, 2020

revenge of swamp ass

I think as of this morning I'm past it, but a lot of this past week has been a time of swamp ass aka cavern ass aka the unwipe-able shits. I've spoken of this before on here, but it really gets me down.

When you're in this mode, the mechanics of your butt work themselves out such that the normal effort you do of wiping yourself just won't cut it, and you need a whole extra effort to clean your butthole. And even when you've gotten to a supposed point of cleanliness, you still retain some suspicion that your butthole is still filthy and your slowly soiling yourself.

You marvel, how are there so many little dirty, shit-filled pockets now that never existed before?

Wiping your butt in a public bathroom, you think you sound like someone going to an intense and extreme place.

Sitting in the middle of other non-shitting parts of your life, you think, do I smell like shit?

It's not a good zone to be in, not good at all.

Thursday, December 12, 2019

Guest Post: A Guide to Shitting Your Pants

Today's a special day! Here at DDB HQ, we received a thoughtful piece of advice from writer Poopy Longstocking. Take it away Poopy!

A Guide to Shitting Your Pants

The last time I shit my pants was three weeks ago, and it was hardly even a surprise. Here is the thing about my poops. They are urgent and solid like a train, always. They build up quietly over days and nights and then, a couple of times a week, they come hollering out of my bowels with little warning. The whole affair takes about five seconds. They are often large enough to beach themselves half out of the toilet water. I consider myself very lucky to have a life full of exciting, dramatic poops. The downside is that I shit my pants with surprising frequency.  So, for all of you who have never had the indignity of pooping in your pants at work, or in a train station, or while on your way back from the grocery store, here is a simple how-to:

Step 1: Stem the flow. Do not give up when you realize you’ve lost the battle. Continue to fight. A grape-sized poop in your pants is better than a tangerine-sized poop in your pants any day. Strengthen your resolve, tighten your butt-cheeks together, and, if you can, walk around a little. Our bodies were not designed to poop and walk at the same time. 
Step 2: Make a break for it. Wait for a lull between waves of urgent panic and waddle discreetly to a bathroom, ideally one with a lock on the door and a sink. Poop the rest of your poop, assess the damage, and take off your underwear. It’s dead.
Step 3: Dry clean. Use wads of toilet paper to scrape the area dry. This is not a time to worry about being environmentally friendly. Keep going, there’s always more. 
Step 4: Wet clean. Make a trip to that sink and get some paper towels wet and soapy because it’s time for a tiny bath. Take your time, be persistent, and make your butt clean and beautiful. The worst part about pooping your pants is worrying that your butt smells. Abolish that worry. 
Step 5: Dispose of the evidence. Take your shameful poopy underwear and mummify it in toilet paper until it is a mysterious package. Bury it in the bottom of a trash can. Shhh. 
Step 6: Move on. Spray some air freshener on the butt of your jeans if you want, or trust the work you did in step 4. You’re beautiful and spontaneous and now you’re not wearing any underwear, you minx.