Tuesday, September 19, 2017

hard to say goodbye

Sometimes I regret the incredibly brief periods of time I get to spend my with poop before I flush it away.  For the record, I look back, and the other day, I was looking back, saw the few discrete turds I'd produced, and wondered about them.  What their journey to becoming those turds was like, what their aspirations were.  And I just covered them up with TP and flushed them.  Cold.  Maybe some day I'll have my life better set up to know each shit a little better.

Friday, August 25, 2017

dispatch from W.I.P.E.

We're very lucky to have an all too rare dispatch from the field!  This one comes from DDB reader W.I.P.E. (Wisconsin Pooping Experience).  Dated 8/17/17, it reads:

"Dear Doo Doo,
For the last two months I have primarily been shitting in an outhouse, which as caused some observations about Doo Doo I do think you'll be interested in.
First, is the sense of finality in Flushing.  One poops, wipes, and flushes, and for me, and I think for many of us, the flush is an act of finality, the culmination, the indication of the end of the poop (although there is pulling up your pants* & washing your hands**, which is perhaps more post-poop ritual than poop).  Without anything to flush in the outhouse, the poop act feels strangely incomplete.  I suppose this is all conditioning, because we poopers have not always had flushers.  One could retrain oneself to think of the pulling up of the pants* as the culmination. 
Second, is the post-poop inspection.  Noting the stool for signs of health, loose or knotted, dark or light, yes I did have beets and corn for dinner last night, etc. etc.  This fecal check-in simply does not exist in an outhouse.  It all disappears down a hole in the ground, never to be seen again, or at least not analyzed uniquely aside from its new pooped neighbors.
Still, I have nothing against the outhouse doo doo experience, simply that [it] is different.
Sincerely yours,

DDB editor's notes:
* - or whatever
** - if you're into that kind of thing

W.I.P.E., thank you for these eloquent thoughts.  I've personally not pooped in a proper outhouse in some years, but it is truly a fruitful place for thinking about the rituals we all have around shitting.  Examining the nature of poop rituals and prizing solitude vs socializing is really interesting with multiple-seat outhouses.  I hope you've got one of those.  I'd also think a lot about the idea of splash back in flush toilets vs outhouses, and the attendant sounds that go with each if I were in your place.  Given my recent bowel escapades, the post-poop inspection you mention is particularly important for me now, so I'll happily stay with my flush model for the present time.  Meantime, many happy non-flushings to you out in the great dairy state!

As a reminder to you other readers, DDB always welcome your thoughts on pooping!

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

what's going on up there?

Well, I've had a colonoscopy.  Some doctors put a camera up my butt and looked around.  Not such a bad thing at all.  No picnic, but nothing to fear either.

The most interesting part was taking the stuff that makes you shit beforehand.  It's very salty tasting liquid, and in this case, you drink a cup every 15 min.  About 90 minutes after you start, it all comes tumbling down.  It said it would be watery stool, but what I didn't expect was the force with which the water would exit my butthole.  It was like a damn firehose.  Comically so.  Out loud, to no one, I made exclamations.  It was like a comedy show gag.  But over a long period of time.  So that's something you can have fun with.

Being under general anesthetic for the first time was not much fun at all, but the aftermath had a nice thing or two to it.  One was lying down and being aware of how empty your bowels were.  Kind of a cool feeling.  I often think of what it must feel like after you get, say, a hysterectomy, and your guts reshape to fill in for something that used to be there.  This was like a small and temporary version of that perhaps.

Also cool was getting some snaps of what they saw.  Some things are private... but not much, so here's two shots of what I'm working with:

Tuesday, August 15, 2017


It's worth saying again, or maybe this is the first time I'm saying it, that I'm always tickled and baffled by people who have a clear sense of "if I eat this, it will make my bowels react like X".  I go about my eating as if it had nothing to do with my shitting (and as someone who farts very little, that's not much of a factor either).  Maybe people think this about cheese, or bread, or meat, or certain vegetables?  I don't know.

One time I ate a bunch of cherries and had to shit shortly after and thought the two might be related.

Also there's a great Nigerian restaurant I go to sometimes that when I get the pepper soup, I can tell when that's the thing that coming out of my butt.

But other than those two things, it's all blissfully unconnected for me.  Perhaps it's because there are few forms of fecal output that stress me out.  I'm okay with some loose stool if that's the price for food I want.  Seems like stomach pain would be more of a deterrent to me, various forms of stool are mostly interesting, not daunting.

All this is despite all my dietary mishegas, which is essentially about cause and effect.  But blessedly, so far for me, none of the effect things are digestion-based.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

shit or get off the

I love the easy clarity of when an entire office wordlessly decides that one bathroom is meant for dumping only.

Monday, June 12, 2017

a big one

I was recently in a hospital for ~72 hrs. Shitting was a central part of why I was there. There’s so much to unpack about this experience, but the big obstacle is that hospital time is quite different from regular time.

Let’s say you're at work. You’re doing your work thing, work work work work work, and then you have to shit. You psych yourself up, pick your temporal spot, and then shit time is the special time, it flows differently from the work time. It’s a kind of reverie, a kind of luxuriating. It’s private, it’s yours, and you can choose to do with it what you want. I usually choose to savor it, pretty much every time. No phone, no productivity, just shitting.

At the peak of my hospital stay, I was shitting (and by that I mean some yellow liquid was coming out of my ass) about every 20 min. Sometimes I would wrap up in there only to get back on my hospital bed, feel that feeling again, and say yeah I gotta go back in there. The frequency with which I shat was like the frequency you might blow your nose 2/3 of the way through a cold. Not luxuriating to be found in that. The quality of time there is totally different. I probably put ass-to-crapper 65 times in that hospital. None of them stand out.

At one point in the midst of the torrent, I decided it might be helpful to take off my underwear & hospital socks (I was otherwise wearing only a gown). That was in the period where the stomach pain was higher, and the casting off of the clothing was like a casting off of pain, or an aspiration to do that. You think about when you’re young and you learn that different people have different shitting rituals, and some involve taking off a lot of clothes. You’re fishing around for something that might help. Maybe it helped a little, hard to say. Mostly, at that point, my body felt fine, but every 30 min or whatever I’d get a little discomfort in my stomach and if I waited, my colon would start to tingle. The watery dump would be out with 2 seconds of getting my ass in place. Another 3-4 min would follow with a little pushing and not much coming out. The kind of status quo you want to alter.

At one point I emerged from the bathroom and said to those present, “pooping really does make me feel good”, or, however you were feeling before, take a shit and you’ll feel better, something like that sentiment. Then came some more painful ones that made me question that sentiment. Whoops. Generally a true statement though as far as I’m concerned.

At one point, my S.O. thoughtfully asked “how’s your asshole?” and, she was amazed to learn it was holding up AOK despite the steady outflow & wiping burden placed upon it. Really no adverse effects in that department, happy to report.

With some targeted antibiotics in my system, the works were slowing down but things were still pretty loose. Before I left the hospital, I did have one shit that was bright green that looked like a cross between a hydra and a floret of broccoli. I was pretty proud of that one. It’s hard to frame these things though. I also had one really nice shit too that I likened to a road that can car, bike, and rail traffic all at once - there was a solid part, followed by a loose part, then chased by some water. 3 in 1 stool!

After returning home, things having solidified a little, I did have a moment where I sat on the crapper for 10 minutes, pushing, and nothing came out. I was humiliated and sore and sad. And I was like, wait, is this constipation? Next time, things came out just fine, but the point is that for all my shitting, I have never really known constipation, and even 10 min of it humbled me. So props to you stopped-up poopers out there, we have very different lives you & I.

Anyway, things are pretty much back to normal now. I took a real big turd at work today. It felt like a solid all the way through affair, but when I flushed, the logs broke into so much dust and algae. It’s like a straw man dump. Ersatz solid dump. I wonder what this means.

PS I got all this by consuming something that had some human doo doo in it. So be careful out there friends!

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

echo chamber

I was just in the UK.  I hadn't been to Europe in 4 years and I forgot about the differences in common Euro toilets compared to US ones.  I'm sure others could write more authoritatively than I, but one thing I noticed is that the more cavernous shape and less water really amplifies things.  So if you're used to crapping in a US commode, shitting in Europe makes you feel like all your dumps are really big dumps.  Based on the sound.  And maybe that might make you feel good about yourself.