Friday, February 16, 2018

maybe I have boundaries or not

The idea of drinking a milkshake while taking a shit appeals to me.  Ideally, right out of the metal cup that you mix it all up in, with a straw.  Finding some resistance in the straw as you go.  Waiting for all the stool to come out while you wait for all the shake to come in.

The simultaneous input/output is a rich and rewarding experience.  Maybe some folks would want to have really differentiated input and output though, like this would only be pleasurable with really solid stool and really liquid milkshake.  The more I think about it, the more appealing it is with a milkshake and stool consistency that closely mirror each other.  One thing that seems worth differentiating is having a milkshake the temperature of feces exiting your body would be pretty straight up gross.  And having freezer-temperature stool seems unpleasant.

Thursday, February 1, 2018


There's a toilet I use a lot where I work that's cool.  For one thing, someone outfitted the tank with a sort of minitank, so when you flush, it only uses half the water.  Kudos.

Something else I've noticed is that the construction of the bowl is such that whatever solids are in there, when you flush, it seems to just crush them.  In most toilets I know, if you took a solid stool and flushed it, it would stay in tact and swirl away.  Who knows what happens from there.  But in this one, and I've got a pretty good sample size of turds deposited there, covering a range of hardness, particle size, etc., uniformly, they all seem to turn into a cloudy powder, solid stool pulverized and sucked down the pipe.  It's a little disconcerting, a little beautiful.  It's like the comedian Gallagher maybe.  I strongly recommend pooping in this toilet and then watching the results.  You'll be humbled by simple but strong engineering.  Maybe it has to do with the small amount of water in tank, it's hard to say.

Sunday, December 31, 2017

end of year special

Yesterday, 12/30/17, I only pooped once.  I think that hasn't happened in a long time.  I felt before I went to bed that I could've benefited from a second, but I didn't go for it.  Sometimes it's special to mark the time in these fashions.

Friday, December 15, 2017

stories we tell ourselves

There are two songs I tend to sing to myself if I really have to shit but can't at that precise moment (in transit, someone's already in the b-room, etc). 

The first is a variation on the famous first line of the "It Takes Two".  In my version, it's "I wanna dump right now", or often with a bunch of repeats/stutters like "I wanna/I wanna/I wanna/I wanna/I wanna/I wanna dump right now". 

The second comes from a commercial from the 90s that I can't seem to remember what it was for.  It was a cartoon character talking about either a board game or something edible, who at the end of the ad went "excuse me... while I chomp".  Like for Hungry Hungry Hippos but not.  I don't remember.  Anyway, my variation is "excuse me... while I dump".

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

favored input

In addition to pooping, I love food.  The input and the output, they're both great.  Can't have one without the other.  It's a great cycle.  Since I've had a very particular diet for more or less the whole time I've been writing this blog, I tend to cook a lot for myself.  Sometimes more than others.  The last few months more so than other times, but then in the last couple weeks I've been eating out more.  I find it kind of a chore to eat out, not something I enjoy if it's not a special occasion.  But boy, when it is a special occasion, what a treat.  A well-applied meal out is a form of medicine for the mind and body that should never be ignored.  I've decided that it would be enjoyable for me right now to chronicle my favorite medicines of this sort in New York City circa late 2017.  These things change over time, given changing tastes and the life cycle of restaurants in NYC, and it seems useful to keep track of it.  So this post is more about the input side of things.  Here's some things I like to do:

  • Some of these are kind of embarrassing but I'll spill.  Just today, after going to the doctor for something unpleasant, I treated myself to the following at Hampton Chutney: a dosa with avocado, arugula, cheese, and olives, and a chai to boot.  Like places to purvey, say, Korean tacos, I find the concept of the place to be silly, but then again, I'm a 30-something Caucasian transplant from the 'burbs with disposable income, so me taking a trip like three times a year to Hampton Chutney should not be a shock to anyone.  Anyway, it felt great.
  • On a more "authentic" vibe, if I'm in the East 20's of Manhattan, I'll always try to get a mushroom uttapam from Tiffin Wallah.  I love Indian food but this particular thing is dear to me for its absence of tomatoes, which is never a guarantee in an uttapam.
  • Two go-tos of mine that I prize for their absence of tomatoes and genericness are 1.) a large serving of rice and beans at a number of Mexican, Dominican, and Peruvian spots around town where I know there's no extra onions or tomatoes in the rice & beans, and 2.) a number of generic Thai spots with solid but unremarkable pad thais.  This in its way is way more satisfying than superb Thai food.
  • Most of these are best achieved dining alone.  One that happens a few times a year is sesame tofu with brown rice at Hunan Delight in Park Slope.  The shredded cabbage makes it.  It's grandly mediocre.  Like the above to entries, it's not about inexpensiveness or authenticity or deliciousness, just about solid comfort and routine.
  • If I've got a rehearsal on the LES, a favored routine involves going to Ni in the Essex Market, maybe get some rice balls or hijiki or something, and then go to fka Babycakes and get a donut or something like this.  That's a great one but also feels indulgently frivolous like the Hampton Chutney one.  But when you need it, it works.
  • A genuine banquet-feeling thing is going to Cheburechnaya in Rego Park with some other people, getting some plov and morkovcha for sure, and then some skewers of meat and other stuff to split.  I'm not a big meat eater, but this is a good reason to do it.  Good medicine a couple times a year for sure.
There you go, that's what special input looks like to me right now.

Friday, November 10, 2017


I have never had minestrone soup before, but my concept of it is that it's similar in both smell and texture to the dump I just took.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

when you get to make a nice thing

Sometimes, you're in the middle of a long or stressful job, and you have to take a shit but you can't because you're a responsible/generous/sucker of a person, and you can't reasonable take a dump without things falling apart.  I found this morning when in that situation, if I thought "this is gonna be a great dump when I get to take it", it sowed some optimism and buoyed my mood.  Normally, I like to dump when I have to dump.  But in this case it was not so bad, even a little pleasant.

PS it was indeed a really good dump, sort of knobby but benevolently so