Saturday, October 8, 2016

mucus pupus

[that's pronounced myew-kus poo-pus]

I've had a lingering cold for the last six or so weeks.  Something that keeps happening is then I enter the bathroom to shit, not feeling like I have to blow my nose.  But as the feces leaves my butt, often all in a rush, mucus starts to run out of my nose.  Maybe throw in some peeing or sneezing to the mix, but it's just like when I shit of late, my body wants to do all the purging it can at once.  It's like a magic trick.  Usually the end of this process is, after cleaning myself up and pulling my pants back up, I honk a big ball of snot into the sink, and it's a good double catharsis.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

team player

I want to make clear that I support other people's dumping, broadly speaking.  I'm not so naïve as to have a mission or goal with my fecal focus here, there's no aim or end I'm looking to achieve.  I'm going to continue to take shits every day and I hope you will to, and then eventually we might have other medical realities and then we will ultimately expire, but hopefully that's a ways off.  I'm here, on this blog, for you as well as for myself, semi-regularly, for most of the last decade, just to talk out some notions on the topic of shitting.

What am I saying?  I'm saying when you take a shit, and it's a good one, I wanna smile with you, not because it's funny, but because it's good and also in some sense it's true.  A bad dump is in some ways even truer, and wanna be there for you when it's a bad one just the same.  And this merits saying in so many words because often the dumps of another are not socially supported.  The quality of the dump as you saw it becomes irrelevant to the third party who hears it, smells it, sees it (maybe even touches it).  And that's too bad.  It's just not the case that defecating has an unavoidable component of rudeness, it's a generally neutral and necessary act.

As I've previously expressed in this space, sometimes when I walk into the bathroom right after someone does some dump work,  in my head I'm like "yeah, nice work, you did it, way to go" to the person who did the dump.  I wouldn't say this out loud unless I knew the person really well, and even then, it might come across as sarcastic when I don't mean it that way.  I sometimes receive texts from a friend when he takes a notable dump, and it heartens me to hear about his efforts, while at the same time not needing to know any more.  It forms a solid connection with the other person.

Recently, I after doing this kudos thing in my head to the previous occupant of a rehearsal studio bathroom, I mentioned that I do this non-verbal support routine to some bandmates.  None of them ever had felt the need to silently congratulate a recent dumper, but I felt good saying it out loud.  And now I just want to reiterate the sentiment to a larger (I hope?) audience.

Next time, in your home or office or wherever you find yourself, ideally at a single occupant bathroom for this feeling, when you can strongly sense a major dump that's just been there, see if you can find a part of yourself to congratulate the dumper and encourage them for their work.  Maybe it'll help you do your own work and feel closer to the global community of shit-takers, which after all is all of us.

Monday, September 5, 2016

crowning achievement

Two words that I think of a lot these days:

1. If I get the sense I'd like to dump one out, go to the toilet, take my seat, and nothing is happening, then what say to myself is that it's just not ready to speak yet.  Like the dump will have something to say soon but it's not quite there.  And then eventually, it speaks.

2. If things are moving a little slowly, and some turd emerges, but it's hard to get it all the way out, that in my current parlance, is a form of crowning.  Maybe this is me wanting to be able to produce a child in my body but only being able to produce multiple daily stools and stealing some of the corresponding terminology.  Of course there are already extant words for this phenomenon but I like the link and don't think it's unflattering to either birth or shitting, two very significant acts, albeit with different frequencies.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

we're all hulksters

If you're having a hard time getting a dump out of your body, it might be helpful to think about what you'd like to be doing as body slamming the türd.  You point aggressively and say "I'm gonna body slam you!", and then assume the position.  Maybe some theatrical "huh"s for emphasis might help as well.  And then as it's coming out of you, imagine a camera shot of you, in a wrestling ring, seen from behind totally naked and only from your mid back to mid mid thigh, squeezing out the turd and it dropping to the mat with a satisfying thud.

Friday, June 24, 2016

It's not a contest

... this morning's winner is a gross dump from Brooklyn, NY.  Congratulations on your win this morning.  What would you like to say about your victory?


Saturday, June 4, 2016

Our Surrounding Environs

Once in a while you notice that for some period of time - three of four hours, maybe - you haven't been aware of anyone defecating at or near you.  It doesn't mean they haven't been doing it, you just for a change haven't been so aware of all the shitting that goes around in your vicinity.

Monday, May 23, 2016

To shit the unwipable shit

I took a shit at work today, around 4:45pm.  A lot of wiping.  I didn't feel completely, totally clean in the way you'd like to be (I'm talking about my asshole here), but I was at work, and I was using the toilet that doesn't always flush well (which is a silly thing to say, because if you hold it long enough, it's fine), and I was like I'll be fine.  So I was done.  And it wasn't like, I was walking around thinking there's definitely more particulate shit matter in between my butt cheeks and this is a problem, it was like, oh, there might be a little extra action doing on down there.  So I went to the bathroom to pee at like 7:55pm, and I took an extra wipe or two, and they were faintly brown.  Whatever.  I went to a thing for work, and then when I was there, at like 8:45pm, I peed again, and I wiped again, same deal.  It's 10:06pm, I'll pee again soon, maybe give another wipe, and there'll be some brown residue probably.  I don't care really, but it's just kind of like, what does a guy have to do, what's it gonna take to get you in a nice clean asshole today?