Wednesday, December 16, 2015

a few points

1. I have "pooped" about seven times today.  I'm defining pooping in this sense by the act of taking down my trousers, sitting on the john, and having something happen with my ass.  In the last two or three attempts, it's been just gas, no stool, that comes out.

2. This used to happen to me more.  Most memorably, one time when I was I'd guess 11, I shat 11 times in a day, including multiple times at a Pittsburgh Pirates game.  I remember bragging to my friend about how many times I'd shat.  Three Rivers Stadium did NOT have particularly nice bathrooms.  But that's not why the built the thing.  It's like the Guggenheim.

3. I can't remember the last time I shat more than 4 times in a day.  But 3 is really not unheard of.  This is just the upper edge of my range.  Maybe I'm not done yet, today I mean.

4. My tummy's been rumbly a few days.  I've been getting spikes of "oh go sit on the john now" since Sunday or so.  Actually on Sunday I got one in a rehearsal space in Williamsburg and had to go shit in the dark.  I turned the flashlight on my phone on and went into the bathroom, which lacks a working light, and it was totally fine.  But that is not a nice bathroom.  Nicer than the bathrooms at Death by Audio, when that was a thing.  But not objectively nice.

5. Tonight, I was at BAM, which has pretty nice bathrooms all told.  When people were applauding, I snuck out and went to the bathroom tucked 1/2 a floor below the mezzanine.  I let beautiful, enormous farts peel in chorus with the raising of numerous curtain calls.  THAT was a fun game.

6. Hopefully things'll calm down tomorrow.

Thursday, December 3, 2015


Let me ask you a question.

No.  Let me tell you about myself.  Here is how I feel.

I take a shit, and I'm wiping my ass.  I use small bits of TP, like ~2 squares at a time (I prefer one-ply).  And the first few wipes are where you get the big cleaning done.  After the 3rd wipe, let's say, it's really just fine detail cleaning work.  And a relatively clean shit, you might only need 2 or 3 wipes.  But then, there are more frustrating ones, where you think you've got it all covered, and you discover another pocket of remaining fecal matter.  And you're going like 10 wipes deep on that.  Because you don't want to be incomplete and get shit on yourself and your clothes, right?

I'm no doctor, I don't know exactly how the stuff that you're wiping up gets there etc.  But sometimes I feel like either I pooped it out all wrong that these little reserve pockets keep presenting themselves afresh when I already thought I was in the end game, or that I just have particularly labyrinthine lower bowels.  Both may be true.

Do you ever feel this way?  It's a lousy feeling because it's the feeling of having finished something being revoked, like, you weren't diligent enough.  And I don't really like editing, I'd rather just get the idea out all at once and not have to revise.  And this is a form of revising.  So nerts to that.