Friday, October 31, 2014


Last night I took a dump that was uncharacteristically long for me.  I had crapped only once previously during the day, a moderate-on-all-fronts affair at work in the early afternoon.  I had that feeling from 11pm or so on that I ought to move my bowels but I just didn't really have the gumption to do so.  So I waited.  Around 12:30am, early this morning, I made my move, and this long snake of a stinker came out.
My nose caught something - it smelled just as if the dump had come not from me but from the other occupant of the apartment.  You live with someone for six years, you develop a sense of their usual fecal olfactory trail.
Now I've never visually witnessed my partner's stool, but anecdotally I believe it to be larger and sturdier, yes, longer than my own.  As I said, this turd of mine last night was lengthy, at least compared to my usual output.  So I wonder: does shape of poop imply smell?  Is there a connection there?  I oughta stand to reason that eating certain things would produce a.) certain consistencies of stool b.) certain smells of stool.  So it's feasible.
If this is the case, in honor of Halloween, I'd like to suggest "poop impressions" as a thing.  You adopt someone's diet for a week or so and make your stool seem like theirs.  Maybe the micro-organisms will start to notice and really appreciate your sense of humor.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

More in the Mail

Our loyal reader out of IL writes again.  Here's what he says:

Toilet paper: over or under.  An age old question.  I read a good book about this and recommended it a few months back, it was called Wiped.  It says: no agreement.  I guess for me over is the smarter way.  Under's not so bad though.  I don't have strong feelings about it.

I suppose this is a good place to mention that for the last five years I haven't used the wall-mounted system.  It's just rolls of toilet paper, stood up on the flat end, and you pick it up when you need it.  I had a roommate in college who found this gross, thinking that whatever was going on with your non-dominant hand was probably not very clean.  I try not to worry about it.  The wall mount unit, where it is in my bathroom, is just too low to make sense.  And there's a good shelf right there.  So that's what my life is like.

But yeah, generally I think over is a little smoother, a little nicer flow.