going out with a bang

I'm real sad tonight because the cat I lived with for the past 13 years died yesterday. She was a great cat. I sculpted a lot of things in my life around her and she me. She was a great puker and a pretty good pooper - sometimes she erred and wiped her butt on the ground or missed the litter box. It happens to lots of cats.

She wasn't sick long. Her appetite shrank for the last three weeks or so. Which meant less poop. We knew she was getting sicker as the poops got less often and smaller. They were little tear drop turds, not the normal finger sized cat turds of her prime.

We were giving her lots of stuff to try to kickstart her appetite to no avail. She had some growths in her intestines and it probably hurt to eat & poop. So earlier on yesterday, before she went into a spiral at the very end, we were surprised when she went to the litter box and let out a real nice 2-3 inch turd, like some of her best work. It didn't come out with a struggle; she dropped it proudly and walked out of the box confident. That was her last poop, and it was a glorious one.

Gonna miss that great cat, but gonna think about that great last poop.

hail to the

Who, I ask, Who in these United States, would not like to watch a video of the president eating a turd?

The image I see in my head, it's been shot on a sound stage, all white background. The current prez enters wearing a suit and red tie. He sits at a table with a white table cloth. He sits on a wooden chair, and a disembodied hand puts a white plate on the table. On the plate is long, archetypical looking turd. Maybe it can be digitally made to have steam lines coming from it.

We don't know if this is a turd he made (god can you imagine what his shit must look like?) or if someone else made it. But he picks up a fork and knife and begins to cut it into pieces and eat it, looking very serious. When he's done, he dabs his mouth with a napkin and then leaves.

If you loathe him, it would be pleasurable. Some people who like him would find it humorous or silly as well. It would certainly be norm busting for a sitting president to be videotaped eating feces, and that's his thing.

But really when you get down to it, can you think of a president out of the 45 we've had who you wouldn't like to see eat some stool? Obama? Bush? Clinton? Bush? REAGAN? It'd be fantastic. It's a juxtaposition, sure, but it's also just part of the job. You're going to have to eat shit and have a smile when you hold that job, and it would be pleasing to see that made literal.

So, my election advice for this year is: please Mr President, eat a turd. Do it for America.