Friday, March 23, 2018

the Versatile Butt

I just took a shit that poured out of me.  The verb is my focal point here.  It was kinda gross, kinda satisfying.  The stool was in me while I was sitting at a computer and working, then I walked to the toilet, sat down, opened my ass, and the shit poured out of me.  Like cereal out of a box, or like pickled eggs from a jar.

How amazing is it that other times there is no pouring at all, nothing like that even?  The ass can pinch, can force, can squeeze, can fart, can shoot, can fold, can sculpt.  It's a team effort, organ-wise, from the brain to the hand to the mouth to the stomach to the intestines to get shit coming out the way it does, but I credit the butt with accommodating such a range of expression.

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

my old squelching grounds

I returned to the college where I went to school this past weekend.  There used to be a lot of good graffiti in the bathroom stalls.  Useful lists of people not to sleep with, alternate lists of "polite boyz", etc.  Also particularly stark or funny or dreamy musings.  I had the chance to check out a number of stalls over three days, and here's a little of what I found.

If you can't see the detail, it says "Best place to poop on Campus! - New York Times"


Lots of stuff here, but "10/10 would shit here again" is what I liked best.  Other stuff on this wall was not so great.

Saturday, February 24, 2018

i am the factory

There's certain kinds of pooping that happens where you really channel the assembly line feeling.  I usually find this is a late morning phenomenon.  There's some initial stool to get out of the way, and then there's a bunch of similar bits of stool that aren't going to come out with one clean exertion.  So you get into a rhythm of moving your muscles (which ones? I should know) to make discrete poots, and ideally you get a sound from each one hitting the water, too.  And you're like it's me, I am the factory, and it's a poop factory.  It also makes me think of one of the drills with the three-armed handle that you lower to drill in say plexiglass.  Also like the kind of pooping referred to in the Key & Peele church ladies defeating Satan bit.

Not unrelated: I woke up this morning with an idea for a performance piece.  It would involve a small conveyor belt, reaching like 6" off the ground.  The belt would move a halved avocado, sans pit, underneath (or thereabouts) the performer, who would then be tasked with trying to fill the indentation from where the pit was with urine without overflowing.  After one avocado, the conveyor belt would advance and another halved avocado would be there.  This could go on until the performer was out of urine.  Maybe you could rotate performers at that point.

Friday, February 16, 2018

maybe I have boundaries or not

The idea of drinking a milkshake while taking a shit appeals to me.  Ideally, right out of the metal cup that you mix it all up in, with a straw.  Finding some resistance in the straw as you go.  Waiting for all the stool to come out while you wait for all the shake to come in.

The simultaneous input/output is a rich and rewarding experience.  Maybe some folks would want to have really differentiated input and output though, like this would only be pleasurable with really solid stool and really liquid milkshake.  The more I think about it, the more appealing it is with a milkshake and stool consistency that closely mirror each other.  One thing that seems worth differentiating is having a milkshake the temperature of feces exiting your body would be pretty straight up gross.  And having freezer-temperature stool seems unpleasant.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

pulverizer

There's a toilet I use a lot where I work that's cool.  For one thing, someone outfitted the tank with a sort of minitank, so when you flush, it only uses half the water.  Kudos.

Something else I've noticed is that the construction of the bowl is such that whatever solids are in there, when you flush, it seems to just crush them.  In most toilets I know, if you took a solid stool and flushed it, it would stay in tact and swirl away.  Who knows what happens from there.  But in this one, and I've got a pretty good sample size of turds deposited there, covering a range of hardness, particle size, etc., uniformly, they all seem to turn into a cloudy powder, solid stool pulverized and sucked down the pipe.  It's a little disconcerting, a little beautiful.  It's like the comedian Gallagher maybe.  I strongly recommend pooping in this toilet and then watching the results.  You'll be humbled by simple but strong engineering.  Maybe it has to do with the small amount of water in tank, it's hard to say.