Dave's Scale of Friendliness

This is a thought I've had since high school and I'm kinda shocked that I've never shared it here before:

One metric for whether or not you're really friends with someone is asking yourself if you've pooped at their home.

Caveat: there are some people that will pretty much only poop at their own home. But for me, this is a revealing test.

Most people I'm close with, I've pooped at their home. It's rare that someone is a casual acquaintance and you've pooped at their home. Also, causality and correspondence not being the same thing, etc. Anyway. You're not friends with them because you pooped at their home. But try it out, do a little mental geography, or when you're at someone's home, think about how close you are with them and whether or not you've pooped there. Extra friend points for having pooped at multiple incarnations of someone's home. Also, think about which friends of yours have and haven't pooped in your home.

Sophomore Year Abroad in Italy

This is incredibly sophomoric:

I was in Midtown Manhattan today and I saw this

Look closely at it.

I just assumed that if you went inside the building with your scaffolding, it'd be a place where they help you achieve your largest possible dookie.

I didn't go inside. I'm not looking to maximize, just enjoy.

Dump Burger #2

Hi welcome to Dump Burger, can I take your order please?

Yeah hi, thanks, it's nice to be back. Look, I was here one time before and I got a Dump Burger with chili and onions and gravy. It meant a lot to me and I've been thinking about it for a couple years. Now I'm back and I would like something similar to that, but, like here's the thing that I've been thinking about: could you make it looser? Like instead of a coherent patty of dump that's held together in a burger form and on a bun with the chili and the onions and the gravy, could I just get a runnier, more liquid, less patty-formed thing that's similar to a Dump Burger still?

Sure, of course, this is Dump Burger, we can get you that.

Great, that's great, thanks... can I... can I also get a fried egg on top, please?

Sure, so a runny, loose Dump Burger with chili, onions, gravy, and a fried egg. Will that be all?

Yes, I think that will be all for today.