out of the swamp

It's a lousy thing to be a swamp ass, to feel that the various shits you're taking are leaving behind sturdy and gross remnants that are difficult to wipe such that you walk around the rest of the day unsure if there's fecal particulate on your butt and you're just making it worse. I don't like that at all.

And then sometimes, in the depths of your swamp ass status, something just changes magically, and though the shit your making is not ostensibly different in character, what it leaves behind is negligible, and you're burning pretty clean.

These magic swamp ass to burning clean transitions can't be predicted or expected, but boy, are they nice.

The Good Doctor

I had a great idea for television today.

You could make a show called Doctor Poo about a charming and mysterious figure who roams the galaxy in a charming and mysterious vehicle called the turdis (which looks like a small bathroom but is actually quite large on the inside) and analyzes various beings' stool.

The dalek-like things in this show, instead of "exterminate" would say "eliminate" and would provide enemas for whoever wanted one.

And thus, I have exhausted my knowledge of Doctor Who (I don't believe I've seen an episode since the late 80s when it was on PBS).

snow cave

Last night was the first 30 degree night of the winter here in NYC. The heat in my apartment was not working so good. At one point, I was busy while really having to dump, and when I finally got he opportunity to take a dump, it came out quickly and in volume.

There I was, sitting on my pooping seat, dump in the dump reception area, me being cold on top, and pleasantly a little warmer below. The volume of the dump did that nice thing where it radiates a little warmth up your way. Keeping the turd material at 98.6 or whatever means you get that nice remnant of that as it quickly cools to toilet temp. And I thought of being in a snow cave or some other extreme shelter scenario and how valuable pee & poop must be as short term heating agents. Anyway, I hope your heat it working well if you're in a cold climate.

going out with a bang

I'm real sad tonight because the cat I lived with for the past 13 years died yesterday. She was a great cat. I sculpted a lot of things in my life around her and she me. She was a great puker and a pretty good pooper - sometimes she erred and wiped her butt on the ground or missed the litter box. It happens to lots of cats.

She wasn't sick long. Her appetite shrank for the last three weeks or so. Which meant less poop. We knew she was getting sicker as the poops got less often and smaller. They were little tear drop turds, not the normal finger sized cat turds of her prime.

We were giving her lots of stuff to try to kickstart her appetite to no avail. She had some growths in her intestines and it probably hurt to eat & poop. So earlier on yesterday, before she went into a spiral at the very end, we were surprised when she went to the litter box and let out a real nice 2-3 inch turd, like some of her best work. It didn't come out with a struggle; she dropped it proudly and walked out of the box confident. That was her last poop, and it was a glorious one.

Gonna miss that great cat, but gonna think about that great last poop.

hail to the

Who, I ask, Who in these United States, would not like to watch a video of the president eating a turd?

The image I see in my head, it's been shot on a sound stage, all white background. The current prez enters wearing a suit and red tie. He sits at a table with a white table cloth. He sits on a wooden chair, and a disembodied hand puts a white plate on the table. On the plate is long, archetypical looking turd. Maybe it can be digitally made to have steam lines coming from it.

We don't know if this is a turd he made (god can you imagine what his shit must look like?) or if someone else made it. But he picks up a fork and knife and begins to cut it into pieces and eat it, looking very serious. When he's done, he dabs his mouth with a napkin and then leaves.

If you loathe him, it would be pleasurable. Some people who like him would find it humorous or silly as well. It would certainly be norm busting for a sitting president to be videotaped eating feces, and that's his thing.

But really when you get down to it, can you think of a president out of the 45 we've had who you wouldn't like to see eat some stool? Obama? Bush? Clinton? Bush? REAGAN? It'd be fantastic. It's a juxtaposition, sure, but it's also just part of the job. You're going to have to eat shit and have a smile when you hold that job, and it would be pleasing to see that made literal.

So, my election advice for this year is: please Mr President, eat a turd. Do it for America.

DDB etc

 I encountered this song the other day:

Back in 2009, I wrote a book called doo doo Bustin' for One Page Productions, in which I posited the utility of certain terms like doo doo chunks and doo doo brown. I didn't realize that 20 yrs earlier doo doo brown was a popular expression in hip hop. Maybe a quick search will give you some context. Nothing much more to say about it than that. Doo doo brown, it's a phrase, people agree.

historical songcraft

Just got a hot tip about a ~50 y/o song about loos friends. It's a weird one.

we are monitoring the situation closely

My partner and I have been together about 17 years. We've lived together about 12. She knows that I am someone who poops often, I know that she's someone who doesn't poop that often. Normally, I poop once in the morning when we're both around, and beyond that, it's not so consistent when it happens. The knowledge she has of my output is obscured by the various comings and goings we both have.

So for the last month, it's been interesting to see how "ooooooh that's how much you shit" has become clear to her on a digestible level. Living in a one bathroom apartment in particular, it's very obvious to her what the score is. Nice to know that there are parts of ourselves still be revealed.

huge if true

[link]
I'm very into the idea that everyone's butthole looks different and is like a thumbprint... but as to why a toilet would only flush for one person and not another seems like a terrible design flaw.

tap tap tap

The feeling when I walk into the men's room on the 3rd fl of the office building where I work, and three of the four stalls are taken, and I'm taking the fourth one to do a dump:

I feel like I'm a bassoonist and the conductor has just walked to the podium, looked over the players, and gone tap tap tap with the baton. And now it's time to get to work. It's time to dump all together, as dumping unit.

I feel strong, I feel supported. Solidarity in dumping. Strike up the dang band & let's dump.

unlike my colleague

Recently, we featured a guest post from one Poopy Longstocking that referenced the frequency of Poopy's shits being often once every four or five days.

Friends, it's not uncommon that I shit four, or even five, times in one day. It's like t compared to 1/t.I think that's what it's like?

Anyway, I'm in a period right now with a lot of loose and frequent stool. It's not the best. These shits are gassy and loud. The turds they produce consistently float, which is not always a feature of my shits. And instead of the character that frequent shits often have where they're mostly water and easy to clean, these ones leave a rather paint like shit remnant on my butt. It's not ideal.

I voice this frustration to you dear readers to attempt to exorcise it.

revenge of swamp ass

I think as of this morning I'm past it, but a lot of this past week has been a time of swamp ass aka cavern ass aka the unwipe-able shits. I've spoken of this before on here, but it really gets me down.

When you're in this mode, the mechanics of your butt work themselves out such that the normal effort you do of wiping yourself just won't cut it, and you need a whole extra effort to clean your butthole. And even when you've gotten to a supposed point of cleanliness, you still retain some suspicion that your butthole is still filthy and your slowly soiling yourself.

You marvel, how are there so many little dirty, shit-filled pockets now that never existed before?

Wiping your butt in a public bathroom, you think you sound like someone going to an intense and extreme place.

Sitting in the middle of other non-shitting parts of your life, you think, do I smell like shit?

It's not a good zone to be in, not good at all.