shart report

Two notes on sharts:

1.) Last month, I had the pleasure of driving through, and then back through, Shartlesville, PA. What a joy!

2.) I had a big party last week cause I turned a round number age. Towards the end, I was jumping up and down as some energetic music was happening nearby. I did one jump and some stuff started happened back in the butt area... did I just shart? I wasn't sure for a sec but it seemed safe so I kept jumping.

~15 seconds later, the same feeling again. Oh no. Assessing... no we're okay but hey let's go sit on a toilet, huh?

And so friends, I did not shart my pants at my party, but I can closer than I have in many years. Bold new decade!

let's say "not vacant"

It's helpful when a restroom has a little "vacant/occupied" slider that goes with locking the door, maybe in a stylish two-color red & green thing. Helps you know how to approach the situation.

For me, when a bathroom tells you it's occupied, I can't help, I CANNOT HELP but think of the word occupied as "kaka-pied", as in a pie of kaka is being applied to it. 

Occupied? Occupied with what? Occupied with kaka! Specifically, a pieful of it!

1 dump is enough 4 me?

A very strange recent pattern has been that instead of my normal 2-4 dumps a day, I've had a couple days, not that many days, but a couple days, where I only have one dump and it's in the morning and it's huge. Not like one unbroken strand huge, but just a very large volume of stool. 

I can't say I am not excited about this trend. 

One way I can measure that it's happening is by the newspaper in the bathroom. I can tell it's been a day since I've read anything in it. 

I really think it's a superior model to dump a medium amount several times a day than to take enormous dumps sporadically. But what do I know? I'm just a dumper, not a doctor.

which animal?

I was walking by a small park near my apartment yesterday and I smelled a familiar smell. I didn't see any horses but I for sure smelled some horseshit. There was a little visual evidence of some to back this up. Horseshit it was!

Having not smelled any horse feces in a while, I thought, wow this actually smells pretty good. I liked to hang out with horses when I went to summer camp as a tween and horses bring back some good memories for me, so maybe it's more that than anything chemical. Though, if a horse is mostly eating grass and hay, I would suspect that stool would smell much better than say, dog or cat food being mostly meat. 

So I wonder, what are the best smelling animal feces? And I don't necessarily mean the least bad smelling, I mean what kinds of shit smells are most pleasant in someway?

purry poo

I mean what's the dang deal with poo-pourri? I just don't get it. Let it smell like a doo doo. What dishonesty is this? Can't we be happy to each other and our bodies? Let's deescalate.

choco sesame

One of the shits I took this morning had a fairly thick and paste-like consistency. When I went to wipe my butt, the first wipe really had this paste quality, and I looked back (I usually do). It had the color of a combination of chocolate and sesame, and I thought boy that would be delicious eh? A choco-sesame paste that you could spread on things or eat right out of the jar. And I was right. That would be delicious.

PPB: dunkeroos

Earlier today I thought about pissing. What if we thought about peeing as dunking pee in water and other pee? Like what if the most important part of peeing were the moment of impact of fluids? And every moment of it was like oh I just wanted to put this pee in this other liquid, as if you were running a test? What about that, huh?