unlike my colleague

Recently, we featured a guest post from one Poopy Longstocking that referenced the frequency of Poopy's shits being often once every four or five days.

Friends, it's not uncommon that I shit four, or even five, times in one day. It's like t compared to 1/t.I think that's what it's like?

Anyway, I'm in a period right now with a lot of loose and frequent stool. It's not the best. These shits are gassy and loud. The turds they produce consistently float, which is not always a feature of my shits. And instead of the character that frequent shits often have where they're mostly water and easy to clean, these ones leave a rather paint like shit remnant on my butt. It's not ideal.

I voice this frustration to you dear readers to attempt to exorcise it.

revenge of swamp ass

I think as of this morning I'm past it, but a lot of this past week has been a time of swamp ass aka cavern ass aka the unwipe-able shits. I've spoken of this before on here, but it really gets me down.

When you're in this mode, the mechanics of your butt work themselves out such that the normal effort you do of wiping yourself just won't cut it, and you need a whole extra effort to clean your butthole. And even when you've gotten to a supposed point of cleanliness, you still retain some suspicion that your butthole is still filthy and your slowly soiling yourself.

You marvel, how are there so many little dirty, shit-filled pockets now that never existed before?

Wiping your butt in a public bathroom, you think you sound like someone going to an intense and extreme place.

Sitting in the middle of other non-shitting parts of your life, you think, do I smell like shit?

It's not a good zone to be in, not good at all.

Guest Post: A Guide to Shitting Your Pants

Today's a special day! Here at DDB HQ, we received a thoughtful piece of advice from writer Poopy Longstocking. Take it away Poopy!

A Guide to Shitting Your Pants

The last time I shit my pants was three weeks ago, and it was hardly even a surprise. Here is the thing about my poops. They are urgent and solid like a train, always. They build up quietly over days and nights and then, a couple of times a week, they come hollering out of my bowels with little warning. The whole affair takes about five seconds. They are often large enough to beach themselves half out of the toilet water. I consider myself very lucky to have a life full of exciting, dramatic poops. The downside is that I shit my pants with surprising frequency.  So, for all of you who have never had the indignity of pooping in your pants at work, or in a train station, or while on your way back from the grocery store, here is a simple how-to:

Step 1: Stem the flow. Do not give up when you realize you’ve lost the battle. Continue to fight. A grape-sized poop in your pants is better than a tangerine-sized poop in your pants any day. Strengthen your resolve, tighten your butt-cheeks together, and, if you can, walk around a little. Our bodies were not designed to poop and walk at the same time. 

Step 2: Make a break for it. Wait for a lull between waves of urgent panic and waddle discreetly to a bathroom, ideally one with a lock on the door and a sink. Poop the rest of your poop, assess the damage, and take off your underwear. It’s dead.

Step 3: Dry clean. Use wads of toilet paper to scrape the area dry. This is not a time to worry about being environmentally friendly. Keep going, there’s always more. 

Step 4: Wet clean. Make a trip to that sink and get some paper towels wet and soapy because it’s time for a tiny bath. Take your time, be persistent, and make your butt clean and beautiful. The worst part about pooping your pants is worrying that your butt smells. Abolish that worry. 

Step 5: Dispose of the evidence. Take your shameful poopy underwear and mummify it in toilet paper until it is a mysterious package. Bury it in the bottom of a trash can. Shhh. 

Step 6: Move on. Spray some air freshener on the butt of your jeans if you want, or trust the work you did in step 4. You’re beautiful and spontaneous and now you’re not wearing any underwear, you minx.

the voice from inside the booth

A cinematic thing that often happens to me when I'm wiping my ass:

I do the first few wipes (I usually do a double square of singly ply, I don't like the thick stuff, it rips too easily when you're using my methods), and you know it's getting cleaner. And at this point you do another wipe, and it comes back clean, and the rational voice in your head, the authoritative man in the control booth as it were, says, okay, you can stop now, your asshole is clean.

But you're like I meaaaaaaan I'm not sure and you do another double square rip and wipe. And the voice is like okay good work cleaning the shit off your asshole, let's wrap it up and go to the next thing. But you detect something, some moisture, something that feels particulate. And there you go again, ripping another double square.

The voice - maybe it address you as sir, or maybe it's cadet, it depends on your mood and personality if this voice is your superior making demands, or if it's someone you boss around - the voice is pleading. Bargaining maybe. Sir, this is a clean asshole. You're wasting paper. Let's flush and get out of here. You wipe again.

You start to get up (I sit down when I wipe), but then you reconsider and go for one more. The sirens are going off in the control room. Cadet, you're out of control, you're gonna run yourself raw and ragged! Get a hold of yourself. Et cetera.

Eventually you get to a place where you're sure there's no discernible shit left on your asshole and you pack up and go home. If you're having a week like mine where it's 4-5 shits a day, you in fact do find yourself a little worn down and ragged.

songs to sing

Recently when I have to take a dump at work, I will sing, to the tune of the intro to "Puddin' N' Tain'" words along the following words:

dumpin guy
dumpin guy
hey look at me I'm a
dumpin guy

or it might be

doo doo cheese
doo doo cheese
hey look at me I made
doo doo cheese

It's pretty satisfying. Give a try if you're into that kind of thing.

dieting tips

...and then for dinner, I just have a nice bowl of diarrhea with some uric acid...

on a skewer

I took a dump today where it came out in distinct chunks. I couldn't help but think about kabobs, like I was shitting little kabob cubes out. The more obvious metaphor I guess is horse shit, but no, this was more like kabobs. Think about that next time you take a shit that comes out in similar cubes/spheres/chunks.