philharpoopic

I'm working in a new office. There's a men's room nearby with four stalls, three urinals, and two sinks.

Yesterday I went to take a shit there. I chose second stall from the right (from the shitter's perspective). Eventually, all four stalls were full. It was wonderful. I was reveling in the sounds of it all. My shit was kind of a soft one, the only real sound was the sound of the feces hitting the water, and not in an explosive way, in a gentle letting it down kind of way. One of the other shitters was similar.

There was the separate sonic color of the adjusting feet squeaks, the paper tearing, the guttural sounds, and the flushing. I was all so symphonic and I felt like I was part of a piece by one of the Russians who was a master orchestrator, Rimsky-Korsakov of Stravinsky, or maybe Bartok. It was perfect and beautiful and I look forward to more orchestral shits in this bathroom.

don't even talk to me before

I am not a coffee drinker, it's been probably nine years since I last ordered a coffee. Coffee seems great but it's not for me, and neither is caffeine in general. I wake up pretty easily, once I'm up, I'm up, I can do complex things within a few minutes of rolling out of bed (often doing creative stuff at that time is real good for me). So, the bumpsticker/mug/t-shirt mentality of "don't even talk to me before I've had my coffee!" is something I don't relate to. Nor do I relate to the "it's always 5 o'clock somewhere!" mentality but that's another thought.

That said, this morning, waking at 7am on a Saturday and working the annual shift I do for my CSA, I left the house before taking a shit, which is rare. If I'm going to work and this occurs, usually I'll make a b-line for the crapper. Unable to slip away for 45 minutes after I started working this shift, I felt that feeling coffee people might feel of don't even talk to me I can barely function until I take this shit how are other people doing it I'm so fixated. And then you take the shit and wow everything's pretty cool all of a sudden, as if by some fecal magic.

the penguins who poop in private*

While pooping at work, I tend to try to seclude myself as much as possible. For my second shit of my work shift today, I mixed it up and used the multi-stall room. And what a delight! There was someone (I think? or the idea of a person was enough anyway) in the next stall, I rather than trying to hide my shit from them, I gave them some insights into what's going on with me. They got to learn about how my guts are doing and how I wipe from the sonic evidence. What a grand and intimate portrait we give of ourselves when we take care and share a bathroom! Sure, the isolation is great to say your piece privately sometimes, but think of what you might share, think of what you might learn!

*This was one of a series of parties vying for power in a fantasy world that a babysitter of mine created for/with me & my brother when I was maybe 6-8 and my brother was 8-10. My brother liked to poop with a large amount of privacy, and Penguins hockey was a big deal back then & there

that coffee smell

Is a coffee shit a thing? I'm not a coffee drinker so I don't know.

At work this morning, I went into a single stall bathroom that had recently been occupied by someone for a length of time appropriate for a shit. A bit later I went in to wash my hands. The smell was redolent of coffee mixed with shit. And I thought, oh, when you drink coffee, I think it promotes shitting (I remember a UCB sketch to this effect, maybe that's not real either), and if it does that, maybe it changes the chemicals in the shit to smell like coffee. Or maybe some coffees do this with some guts. I like that this could be totally a real thing or something that I completely made up. Help?

scrapies pt 2

Q: what do we like?
A: we like poo poo scrapies!
Q: why do we like them?
A: it's hard to say!

Five years ago I said that it might be hard to be dignified when someone's seen the turd marks you left on a toilet bowl. But now I don't know if I agree with that. I think there's an intimacy to it. It's like when someone you know takes a shit before you go into the bathroom; it's not so much unpleasant as it is intimate, you know an intimate smell that that person makes. So too with the visual fecal remnant as the olfactory one.

Two other perks about poo poo scrapies are that there's a kind of archeological experience to finding and understanding them. What happened? What can it teach us? And if you are a standing urinator, there's a great game to be played there in trying to remove them. So let's give a cheer for minor fecal remnant on a toilet bowl aka poo poo scrapies!

120 months of doo doo

Haven't been sure how to note this fact, but as of this month, this blog has been steadily pooting away for 10 years. There's no other creative activity I've done for so long in such a consistent format.

When you read the first ever post on this blog, it refers to a wall paper that's not there anymore, so it's not a very interesting post. Before starting this blog, I had initially made a Twitter account where I was going to tweet every time or at least most times I pooped and just note that, but I wasn't ready for Twitter in 2009 (took me til 2014).

Anyway, in that spirit, I'm not gonna attempt any nostalgia or grand summation, but will simply relate that this morning, when defecating, I did a rare kind of shit for me, which is one that is much wider in the part that exits first, and then tapers. It came out rather forcefully. That was a novelty at 7:30 this morning.

Hope you're shitting well, and I plan to keep talking about how I'm shitting.

Yours,
Dave

when venturing away from home

Was just in the city of my birth this weekend. Shitting a lot too. Something odd that I've noticed is that when I'm away from my apartment a lot, I have a greater tendency to look more directly at my shit. Even like curving around and trying to get a peek as it hits the water. At home, I would never do this, but in novel-ly shaped toilets, I often have an urge to see how it all accumulates at the bottom of the bowl.